These Things Take Time

As I begin this post, I have put this song, by Santus Real, on repeat, until my thoughts are expressed, at least those God wishes me to share.

"And I wonder why, some times the truth ain't easy to find. I want to know all the answers, but I'm learnin' that these things take time."

Several times over, I feel as though I've begun to mention or note that life takes time. Learning to be myself in a classroom, has taken time. Learning better classroom management and discipline, has taken time. Learning that it is more than okay to say no to my students, multiple days in the same day, has taken time. Understanding financial management, has taken time. Understanding professional relationships are different from family or friend relationships, has taken time. Understanding that I am a sensitive soul, understanding how to take constructive criticism when everything seems to be going wrong, finding the positives in the day, keeping weekends free from work, understanding myself, my gifts, how God is gently nudging me along to learn and understand lesson after lesson, some times on repeat because I don't get it the first time. Learning to develop good eating habits, despite my apathy towards cooking for one. Establishing an effective exercise routine. The list is endless. It all takes time.

"I want to know my pain makes me stronger. I wanna know why good men die. Why am I so afraid of the dark, but I stray from the light. 

I wanna know why you gave me eyes, when faith is how I see. Tell me is it easier to doubt or harder to believe?"

Pain does make us stronger, though it can hurt like heck in the moment. Why do good men die -  to get to heaven. Why is it that I'm afraid to be without Christ, the light of the world, but so reluctant at times to turn back to Him for answers? Christ is how God reveals Himself to us, making the invisible, visible.

"How can success make us feel like failures, and the harder we fall the harder we try. (Why do I try to do so much by myself, when I can do nothing without He who gives me/is my strength?) The more I have, the more I need to feel just like I'm getting by. So many questions in one short life. 

We spend so much time, chasing our tails, hoping to find, every last answer, to everything in life. So many questions, not enough time."

My seventh graders and I were talking about personal growth the other day. (Yes a bit abstract for their concrete minds, but enlightening, none the less.) It was amazing to me how they already value youth so much. Several noted that they didn't really ever want to grow old, or live to be the age where they would live in a nursing home.

I've noticed my own hesitation towards continuing to grow older (as if I could stop it from happening). I want to either rush life and get to a point where things are not quite so difficult, fall victim to a fatal illness and offer my sufferings for the salvation of souls (only if God wills such, but I doubt I am strong enough to endure such trials and tribulations), or reach a point to where I  understand life. The purpose of life is to love as God loves. I know I have a long ways to go to reach this point. I leave you with this excerpt from the Imitation of Christ: Book 3, Chapter 47

That all grievous things are to be endured for life everlasting

Son, let not your labors which you have undertaken for My sake crush you, neither let tribulations from whatever source, cast you down, but in every occurrence let My promise strengthen and console you. I am sufficient in recompense to you beyond all bounds and measures. It is not long you have to labor here, nor will you always be oppressed with sorrows. Wait a little while and you shall see a speedy end of suffering.

I realize my perception of time is really skewed. Lord, grant me patience and understanding. p.s. I am really not quite as bitter as I might come across in this post, for I have gained much peach in kneeling down to pray a rosary this evening, as opposed to my typical rosary while driving.

Single and Serving

Like most young women, I wonder when it will be my time to enter into my true Vocation, that of married or religious. While I patiently and sometimes not so patiently wait on the Lord to give me direction, I have recognized the opportunities to serve as a single person. 

First, I am blessed to give my time and gifts to my occupation as an agricultural educator. A teacher's work day is not simply from 7:30-3:30, five days a week, but so much more.

Secondly, to be a part of the Teens Encounter Christ movement of the Wichita Diocese. This movement, for older adolescents and young adults was founded in 1965 by Fr. Matthew Fedewa and Dorothe Gereke in the Diocese of Lansing, Michigan. TEC stems from Cursillo and strives to invite young people to engage in the ideal of the Paschal Mystery spirituality. Wichita hosts four retreats every year and is guided by a Core group of individuals to maintain purpose and Catholicity. I am blessed to serve as a member of TEC Core. 

The Wichita Diocese will soon have a new way to reach out to young adults, in particular those in their 20s and 30s. While I do not have an official role in this movement, Charis Ministries is a Jesuit ministry for this age group. Wichita will host its first Seekers retreat February 24-26. I hope to attend these retreats and serve the young adult community of the Wichita Diocese in the coming years. 

If you have ever had a conversation with me, it is likely that I have mentioned Prayer and Action to you. In summer 2010, I was blessed to serve along side five incredible individuals for the mission trip in your backyard with almost 300 youth in the Salina Diocese. Through the intercession of St. Philomena, Prayer and Action will make its debut in the Wichita Diocese summer 2012. Please pray for this movement, and myself, an unworthy servant to partake in the pioneer team. 

Ultimately, my goal is not to boast of the ways in which I am called to be a leader in several movements or boast of my busy-ness. The purpose of this post is to note that were I attached to a significant other, it would hinder my freedom to serve in such a capacity. Thus if you are still among the single folk, perhaps the Lord is calling you to serve His Church in a greater capacity than that in which you currently find yourself.

Tangent - From time to time, I happen to mention to my students that I don't pay for any form of televised networks, thus spend almost no time watching tv. So what do I do with my time, is often the question posed to me. I wonder this myself. Where does my time go? While there are the a fore mentioned ways to serve, when you live by yourself, you must also commit time to prayer, cooking, eating, cleaning, sleeping, personal hygiene, social/community time, solitude, reading (leisure, spiritual, intellectual, etc.) running errands, hobbies (crochet in my case), and exercise (I still could stand to improve in this area). How do we have time for tv with all else we must do?

The single life is a time in which we are called to learn more about ourselves, solidify our identities as sons or daughters of God, and discern our gifts and the ways in which we are called to use them for the good of all. God Bless you in your growth and understanding.

St. Rita of Cascia

When I finally chose which local parish to become a parishioner at, in June, after six months of living in the area, I chose one that had two statues on its main alter: St. Teresa of Avila on the right and St. Rita of Cascia on the left. I hardly acknowledged the one on the left until pointed out to me by Sara in one of her visits. "That's St. Rita, right?" I hadn't given it much thought. "Tell me about St. Rita," I told Sara. Sara proceeded to enlighten me. I since have learned more, and have more to learn, but yet feel prompted to make this saint more well know.

St. Rita (1381-1457) was an only child, granted to a very charitable couple. While she wished to become a religious, her parents wished her to marry, at which she responded with obedience, betrothing a man picked by her parents. The marriage proved to be a rough one, to a cruel and harsh being. Her prayers converted him. She was widowed with two boys, who also died (she prayed they would die rather than commit the sin of revenge on those who killed their father). Though refused entry at first, St. Rita entered the Augustinian order and become known for her austerity, devotion to prayer and charity. She endured wounds on her forehead resemble the crown of thorns. She is the patron of hopeless or impossible causes, victims of abuse, sickness, loneliness, parenthood and widows. Her feast day is May 22.

"Nothing is impossible to God." ~ St. Rita

Degree of Beauty

Hi. Happy 2012. It's been awhile. I've had plenty of opportunity to muse over numerous topics of late, and have opted to share this one. The first of what I hope is several in the coming weeks.

Two weeks ago, I was blessed to have two close friends stay with me, and then stop by to see my classroom on my teacher workday before parting ways. That Monday morning, I had opted not to put on make-up. Not simply because I didn't feel like it, or that I wouldn't be seeing people all day. I opted not to because my face was clearer and had more vibrancy than typical that Monday morning. I admit I thought for a moment about my tactics of face washing or the few other days over break I had not worn make-up, but was unable to come to any real conclusions about why my face looked so good that day. The friends even commented to me about it. (*Note* I'm not trying to say that I'm overly blessed with a pleasing appearance, and this has a point, I promise.) I simply had a seemingly unusual glow about myself. 

This morning, however, was a completely different story. As I looked in the mirror prior to heading off to mass this morning, I knew I needed to cover up the splotchiness to make myself more presentable to the Lord. At different points throughout the day, I allowed myself to ponder, what was different about two weeks ago from today?

This past week, I'm almost certain I got too much sleep as I was extra tired. There was not a single morning where I did not fall back asleep for anywhere from 20-60 minutes after initially waking up. I was hoping to be more intentional about morning mental prayer and meditation before starting my days. I gave in to the temptations to rest just a while longer, limiting my focus and attention to morning prayers. Nor was I able to make it to a weekday mass this week. By yesterday evening, I was exhausted. Attending Sunday mass was a bit odd, simply in the fact that it had been a full seven days since I was last blessed to physically receive Christ in the Eucharist. These first two weeks back to school were packed with home basketball games, requiring my time as bookkeeper or concessions manager for several hours each of those evenings. I cannot imagine how worn out the coaches and players are, as I was this past week. Finally I have come to a point where I can breathe and rest. There are no scheduled busy evenings this coming week. Praise the Lord. 

So what was the deal with the last few days over break? I think I have put my thumb on it, in that I was blessed to attend daily mass for seven of the eight days prior to the Monday teacher work day, in addition to numerous hours of adoration, time spent with those who build me up in faith, whether at one of two nuptial celebrations or a small gathering of friends, and much rest. Thus, I credit my "glow," my degree of beauty, that Monday morning to having received One whom I love, and having spent time with those who I love. The more time we spend with Christ, the more we receive Christ, the more we become like Christ, radiating His fragrance and His glow. How humbled am I to acknowledge this in myself, and am grateful that the experience is rare, lest I grow conceited. Though I do continue to long to have reception of the Eucharist a more regular staple of my week, for I know He gives me strength and further enables me to be an instrument of grace and peace in the lives of my students and colleagues. God Bless you and keep you.