Suscipe Prayer

Suscipe
St. Ignatius of Loyola

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty,
my memory, my understanding,
and my entire will,
All I have and call my own.
You have given all to me.
To you, Lord, I return it.
Everything is yours; do with it what you will.
Give me only your love and your grace,
that is enough for me.

When I was with the Missionaries of Charity, this was the prayer we prayed at the end of our meditation time during morning prayer. We would start with Lauds at 5:00am and go through a series of prayers, including a prayer before meditation (something I still use before diving into scripture), and then have silent prayer until about 5:55am. The daily Mass readings were posted on the wall and I'm pretty sure that is what the sisters prayed over during that time.  It was a great practice to try to implement into my own life. I'm not at the level that they are, but I also am not a consecrated religious. I'm a firm believer in praying as much as you can so long as it does not neglect your state of life. A friend also recently asked me how I get anything done when I pray so many times a day. My response was that I wouldn't get anything accomplished if I did not, because I am simply putting first things first. 

A short while after returning from my time in St. Louis, in spiritual direction, I remember telling my spiritual director that this prayer is not true in my life. God's love and grace is not enough for me. Wow. That was humbling to admit. Does that mean I should stop praying this prayer? I don't think so. I believe this is what I want to want - that God, who is Love, is enough for me. 

I leave you with this quote by St. Ignatius of Antioch.

"I no longer take pleasure in perishable food or in the delights of this world. I want only God's bread, which is the Flesh of Jesus Christ, formed in the seed of David, and for drink I crave His Blood which is love that cannot perish." 

The Gift of Authentic Friendship

A true friend, more than anything, cares about the salvation of your soul.

Over Stimulation - Treats Everywhere

A) I've sucked it up this Lent
B) Fasting is hard
C) Fasting would not be so hard if we didn't have so much stimulation at our finger tips
D) The Church is genius

Allow me to expand on my thoughts. 

In years past I have chosen some fairly rigorous regimens to pursue during Lent.  This year I signed up for a few daily emails, was given assigned spiritual reading by my spiritual director, and picked a particular penance and attached a specific intention to it (thanks SD - it's been good).  I haven't been able to stay up on the daily emails (one but not all three), have not been consistent in my spiritual reading (but making progress), and occasionally falter on my penance (okay, I gave up going over the speed limit and sometimes I really should not be a traffic hazard - not an excuse, I know). I've attempted to maintain the general sense that it is Lent (I really don't need that vanilla latte from Starbucks anyway), but feel like I could really be doing better (yes, I am my hardest critic). However, Fr. Robert Barron put it well in his email from day 1 of Lent - 

"Lent is a time to get tuned up, to get back to basics,
to remember the fundamentals."

So in some way, not having such a rigorous regimen is allowing me to do just that - get back to the basics, the fundamentals. It's not so much what I'm doing, but how and why I am doing it - with intention, with purpose, with love. I still have lots of room to grow. 

All this being said, I've pondered fasting. I recently read this article via facebook. It is a bit harsh, but sometimes harsh is what we need.  I particularly appreciate the piece about treats and sacrifice. Today we have such ease of access to "treats" that what should be an occasional goody  is almost an everyday norm. I'm not just talking about snacks and desserts either. We have 'treats' in social media and our constant access to it. I wonder what it was like for it to be a 'treat' to hear from a friend via a phone call or see them in person. I am guilty of this, especially at work. I sit in front a computer for about eight hours a day. If I am ever board or in need of a break, I often default to facebook for a breather. It is the same way with our phones. I have a free moment, whether I'm driving or I just checked out at the grocery store, my default mode is to check if someone has reached out to me.  We are simply overstimulated: to make (something) more active : to cause or encourage (something) to happen or develop : to make (a person) excited or interested in something (meriam-webster)  We get treats ALL THE TIME!

I'm not advocating that we get rid of technology or only consume bread and water. I'm suggesting we find a balance. Life would not be so hard if we really understood the value of sacrifice and 'treats'.  I think I have pondered fasting so much this Lent because I'm not really sure what (else) I would really be willing to give up.  How many of my comforts do I feel like I cannot live without? Do I feel entitled to them (another subject for another time)?

The Catholic Church is genius (I might be biased). She gives us the Litugical year with various seasons to draw us into the life of Christ. Christ who came not to judge but to save. He came to show us how to walk with him in suffering, to teach us how to love. Here is one tidbit of the genius of the season of Lent: 

1. Prayer - heals our relationship with him in prayer.
2. Fasting - heals our relationship where we are broken within ourselves with fasting
3. Almsgiving- heals our relationship with others through almsgiving. 

Learn more in this post. 

Peace, Satisfaction and Contentment

Do you lack peace or are you dissatisfied?
Are you content?

These are two questions I was asked this past weekend by the dearest brothers of mine. Both will be ordained in May, God willing. 

These questions have caused me to ponder just a bit more. What are these things?

Peace, according to St. Augustine, is "the tranquility of order". We often think of peace being the absence of war. Fulton Sheen has much to say about war, yet succinct and brief.  "To the extent that we obey God's will , we are happy and at peace; to the extent that we freely disobey it, we hurt ourselves - and this consequence we call judgment." Oh. ("The frustration resulting from our disobedience to God's law is His judgement.")

Let me share more of the archbishop's words from Life is Worth Living. 
"Wars come from egotism and selfishness. Every macrocosmic world war has its origin in microcosmic wars going on inside millions and millions of individuals..... The civil war on the inside is between what man thinks he is and what man actually is, between the way God made him and the way he made himself, between the moral law that ought to govern his life and selfishness that actually determines his actions. When civil wars are waged in the minds of men and women in the world, they produce psychoses, neuroses, fears and anxieties..."  
"Nothing ever happens in the world that does not happen first inside human hearts."

So peace is when we are not at conflict with ourselves. I find if I am at peace, I'm so much more pleasant to be around. My poor roommate had to put up with me last week when I was at war with myself. God Bless her for loving me before, during and still. 

Satisfaction, defined when browsing online, means: fulfillment of one's wishes, expectations, or needs, or the pleasure derived from this. I did not find this word in the index of the Catechism, but we speak much of how we will never be fully satisfied in this world, knowing that God made us for Himself and we are restless until we rest in him.  (Augustine, again.) Here is another statement that highlights our lack of satisfaction on this earth:  "Nothing in this world will answer all your questions, solve all your problems, or satisfy all your desires. These are impossible, immature ambitions, and the spiritual life consists largely in realizing that they are impossible and immature." Aight. I got it, I think. Until I forget it tomorrow.  

Can we be unsatisfied, but at peace? Absolutely. But really, when we sense our lack of satisfaction, it should not cause us to lose peace, faith or hope. 

Content: in a state of peaceful happiness. Hmm. 
When I was asked if I was content on Saturday, I had to answer no. I was not content. Another dear brother of mine once wrote to me on a note during adoration, "Joy is a choice, dear sister." And related-ly, so is happiness. The cliche goes: "Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have." The cure for this is gratitude. Count your blessings, or at least try. Can you generate a gratitude list of 100 or more items? At the Steubenville Encounter conference a few weeks ago, I attended the breakout session on "Balance our obsession with perfectionism,"  the priest giving the talk gave us a spiritual exercise in which we were to:
a) tell Jesus where we are weak (4)
b) tell Jesus what we are fearful of (4)
c) tell Jesus one thing (or two) that we would like to change about ourselves or our lives
and finally
d) tell Jesus our blessings (10+). 

Gratitude helps us to remain at peace and gives perspective to an otherwise seemingly harsh world. 

So surely, of what matters of the above, peace, satisfaction or contentedness, it really boils down to peace. Don't let the devil steal your peace. He's going to try and he'll be a bully about it. Fight him for it. It's worth it. 

In a cold world, It's a warm place, where you know that you're supposed to be. :)

Happy Advent. I'm waiting, Lord. I'm waiting.

The Purpose of Ceremony

I've asked from time to time, I've questioned the purpose of ceremony. Why does there have to be such hoopla over an event, or a commitment? The answer I have found is to help us remember.

I tend to have conversations with God a couple times a week - I wish it were a couple of times a day. However, a few weeks later I have often forgotten what I said, or how I might have newly committed myself to doing His will. A ceremony, a significant event, would be great as a reminder.

I am bound by the vows I made you. *
Psalm 56:2-7b, 9-14
Trust in God’s word
The LORD knows the plans of man; they are like a fleeting breath.^{i  Psalm 94: 11}


The thoughts of men are fleeting - 

I'm convinced that we have ceremony for important matters (Baptism, Holy Communion, Confirmation, Marriage, Ordinations - Sacraments) for else we would quickly forget what we say or do without creating what will hopefully be a great memory of a important decision, action, or commitment in our lives. 

Attending Sunday Mass

Going to Mass every Sunday keeps us from thinking of ourselves as God.

I typed this line out on Sunday, December 22, trusting I would eventually come back and develop it into a full blog post. I had little desire to put forth the effort the look respectable and walk across the street to attend Mass that day. Recently, having just stumbled across an article from a very respectable person, who admits to not attending Sunday worship very often, I am finally going to finish this post. My heart goes out to this person who seemingly has not experienced what it is to participate in or even co-offer a mass as our Baptism calls us to. I still have no theological education outside of my brief experiences of ministry and participation in worship and a desire to praise the Lord that is itself a gift from God (Eucharistic prayer reference).

So why do we attend Mass every Sunday? I could look up an answer in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, but I could also ponder what I've learned over time about the Mass. I'm am only going to share a glimpse of my understanding of this matter. We have been commanded by our God to participate in worship of him, our Creator. If we did not do this on a regular basis, we would forget who is really in charge and begin to worship ourselves and make our own judgement about what is right and wrong - the beginnings of relativism which is situational for everyone. (Don't get me started on a such a rant. It won't be very logical until I've had time to think it through. Catholicism, by it's name, which means UNIVERSAL is opposed to relativism.  Check out the words from Benedict XVI, in a quote from the article listed below.) Even those who fulfill our weekly obligation for Sunday Mass fall into such temptations. 

In summary, I go to Mass every Sunday (and more often if I can), to keep from my own demise and corruption, which I still battle every day, to keep from worshiping myself and thinking I'm in control. 

Words from a wise friend of mine. [One who doesn't take themselves too seriously] means living with a 

"Christian optimism that recognizes
who is in charge and responds in JOY." 

-----------------

“We are moving toward a dictatorship of relativism which does not recognize anything as for certain and which has as its highest goal one’s own ego and one’s own desires.”

This is a warning that Pope Benedict has not tired of repeating during his pontificate.

Relativism is a poison. It attacks our most human capacity, the capacity to seek and know the truth, including the moral truth. A dictatorship of relativism imposes by real cultural force (and even by political force) a no-standard standard, a command that all must imbibe this poison.

Read more: http://www.ncregister.com/blog/benjamin-wiker/benedict-vs.-the-dictatorship-of-relativism/#ixzz2srYeM0er

The World Needs Your Prayers

Tonight, I am blessed in a way to be so very aware of the need of prayer, of sacrifices, and selfless acts of love.  I spent a few solid hours with three incredible souls on Tuesday evening this past week. Our time was spent in the presence of our Eucharistic Lord and encouraging one another on our walk of life. Since then, and since long ago, and continuing on, a battle is raging - a battle for our souls. The rest of my week was tough, mentally and spiritually. I could sense an oppression, but for awhile, I considered it just a funk I was in. However, my dear roommate reminded it was the devil. Another friend told me to tell him to go to hell. Satan continues to ride my back and on occasions convinces me of a lie, even if just a half-truth. If he is doing it to me. It is likely he is doing it to you, too. 

Here are a couple of uplifting anecdotes and reflections I stumbled across throughout the week. 

First, a story about Fiorello LaGuardia, when mayor of New York City during the worst days of the Great Depression and all of WWII, sat in as judge at the police station one day. He heard the case of a citizen who had stolen a loaf of bread to feed their family. Being a just judge, and honest to the law, he charged the citizen a fine of ten dollars. Banging the gavel, he reached into his pocket and paid the fine then and there.  He in turn, told the crowd, for the crime of enacting laws and having an environment where a person has to steal to feed those entrusted to their care, you are each fined fifty cents. Forty-seven fifty was collected and given to the defendant. (for another version of the story, click here).

When reflecting on this story, I find that Christ is the judge who has paid the fine but we are the crowd who with the merit of our prayers and sacrifices make up for "...what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ on behalf of his body, which is the church, ..." (Colossians 1:24) Leading into this statement is: "Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking..."    We own the fifty cent fine or rather the responsibility to care for our brothers and sisters in Christ, not only their bodily needs, but also their spiritual, emotional, and intellectual needs. 

In an Advent reflection I found while in Adoration later in the week, I read these words by William of St. Thierry:

"And this is clearly the reason: you first loved us so that we might love you – not because you needed our love, but because we could not be what you created us to be, except by loving you."

and later in the same excerpt:

"You know that this disposition could not be forced on men’s hearts, my God, since you created them; it must rather be elicited. And this, for the further reason that there is no freedom where there is compulsion, and where freedom is lacking, so too is righteousness."

I urge you, brothers and sisters, to love the Lord our God, and offer Him your prayers. We become what we were created to be by loving God - and in turn loving neighbor.  This is a blessing to be aware of, but also a call to greater charity, and greater responsibility toward our neighbors, our brothers and sisters. 

I leave you with this quote by St. Faustina, courtesy of a text from a friend:

"Prayer-A soul arms itself by prayer for all kinds of combat. In whatever state the soul may be, it ought to pray. A soul which is pure and beautiful must pray, or else it will lose its beauty; a soul which is striving after his purity mus pray, or else it will never attain it; a soul which is newly converted must pray, or else it will fall again; a sinful soul, plunged in sins, must pray so that it might rise again. There is no soul which is not bound to pray, for every single grace comes to the soul through prayers." - St. Faustina

Laity and Work

"To the laity:

There is no vocation more religious than work.  A Catholic layman or laywoman is someone who takes work seriously.  Only Christianity has given a religious meaning to work and recognizes the spiritual value of technological progress.

Your institution has as its aim the sanctification of one's life, while remaining in the world at one's place of work and profession: to live the Gospel in the world, while living immersed in the world, but in order to transform it and to redeem it with one's personal love for Christ. This is truly a great ideal."

I found this quote in the midst of transferring over pages and articles from an old diocesan website to a new website.  On the vocation page, this quote was of many from Pope John Paul II. I don't know that this post will tie well into that quote, but it has been on my mind most of today. 

Today I was extra tired from arising for an early morning event (5 am ladies Bible study), and thus more easily discouraged by little things throughout the day.  My melancholic temperament very often relies on the graces and perspective of a Seven Sorrows rosary; just a reminder that my sorrows are minimal compared to all Christ suffered for our salvation.  

The devil picked on me today.  Not that he doesn't most days, but I was particularly susceptible to his temptations this second Thursday of December.  And I didn't realize it til I was leaving work.  I could not stay on task.  With just over an hour left in the work day, my boss asked me,  "Klenda, how much did you work for me today?" half joking, but half serious.  Since I split my time in two departments he was kind of accusing me of spending my time in the wrong department.  However, that was not the case.  I could not focus well today at all. One conversation discouraged me around mid-morning and it was kind of down hill from there. (God's teaching me the emotional maturity to not have to rely on others to help cheer me up, but an acceptance of what is and a greater self-mastery.)  I could not get myself out of this funk.  

I can diagnose that sometimes I become too focused on the detail and forget the big picture. I can also recognize that a lack of results or fruit from my work is also very discouraging.  This is where the devil can get me down and beat me to stay down.  Now, how to overcome?  Of my own accord, I am not be able to.  I may need to accept the suffering of days like today and grunt on through the work I am called to do, allowing it to sanctify me and loving Christ in the midst of it. 

As I began my drive home this evening, I started my rosary for my every week Thursday intention. Grace showed me the recipients of my intention were in need of the merits earned from my struggles today. I don't know how exactly they were applied, or if I will ever. I trust someone else's day was better today through my struggles. 

I was very tempted to come home to take a nap, foregoing my original plans of a yoga class and a run (the cold discourages me from exercising...), however, if I can offer more graces by a fidelity to regular exercise, then bring it on.  

P.S. St. Therese of Lisieux did her best not to complain of the cold. Can you pray a "Blessed be God" every time you are tempted to wine about how cold you are this winter? 

Awe-spiration, my friends.  Pax vobis.

Solitude Seperate From Prayer

I am an introvert. I gain energy by spending time by myself and often will choose alone time over time spent with a group of people or in a crowd. In the last several weeks, I sense that I have been over stimulated by spending too much time with people (not a bad thing, but draining to me) which has hindered my peace and joy. One weekend I participated in TEC Congress. The next weekend my parents and my sister hosted a dozen people at their two houses in northern Marion county for a wedding both Friday and Saturday nights. This past weekend I attended the Midwest Catholic Family Conference.  All beautiful occasions. All include a lot of people.  All provided little opportunity for solitude. And the weekdays in between were not lackadaisical.

In these past few weeks, busy as they have been, I have sought prayer and have found prayer difficult, especially adoration. It was not until during and after the family conference I realized my need for solitude outside of prayer. I like to be left alone with my thoughts, to process them internally. Having done little of that in the past few weeks, I was drained, irritable, distancing myself from people and struggling spiritually. Fortunately, grace has helped me to become aware of my current state and need for a greater balance of solitude and community, and letting prayer be a part of both. 

Pray for me. Christ's peace. 

Everything and Nothing

I might have finally realized the difference between what I think I want to do and would be a good contribution to the world, and what it is that God is calling me to do. I have divine appointments to keep, work to do for the Kingdom, and joy comes in aligning my wants with what God wills for me. He created me for a purpose. 

Teaching was and is a good thing, but it is not the purpose God has called me to, nor the reason he created me (I don't think). Three times yesterday I was asked if I think I will return to teaching. Each time, I said "I don't think so." I have a bit of a teacher in me, but it's not my dominate strength. My spiritual gifts lie in knowledge, intercession (prayer), faith, and service (giving). I'm a guardian inspector according to the Keirsey temperament assessment (also know as Myers-Briggs). God had to take me away from teaching in order to prepare me for and allow me to do what He wills. I have a job that pays the bills, and in turn I can leave work at work, and do His work outside of that particular environment. What exactly that is yet, I'm not sure. He's writing the story of my life, and helping me to get perspective on it. He's freeing me from the chains I've created for myself. I'm still learning what that purpose is and may never truly understand it (by divine providence to keep me from becoming proud). However, I can say I'm experiencing a new found zeal and love for our Lord and souls. 

In the past two years or so, God has done much to grow me. In the last five years he has done a lot of work on this poor soul. I'm getting a glimpse of myself as He sees me, though that is often times still blurred by the way in which I see myself. I'm sorry for the vagueness of this post, but I'm wanting to share/commit to writing these thoughts floating around my head before I forget them. Matt Maher's song, Everything and Nothing started playing in my head yesterday morning, and I've listened to it over and over. And last night I heard a witness meditation titled, Lost and Found and Lost Again. All seems fitting for me at the present. I'll leave you with the lyrics. (Another song catching my attention of late is Awake My Soul by Mumford and Sons.)

Come let us return to where we were
Back to knowing life and saving words
Back to where we heard redemption speak
Where You brought us to our knees

Come let us return to Eden's heart
Long before the fall, back to the start
Back before we covered up our sin
And took a second skin

Once upon a time
I'm lost and found
I'm saved and drowned
I'm everything and nothing all at once
I'm so far gone
But I'm already home
With everything and nothing but Your love

Come let us discover something new
Cause we're all pilgrims on a journey to the truth
We're all wanderers relying on a man
To help us understand

Cause everybody wants to see the proof
We're always tripping on our pride to get to You
So blessed are the ones who haven't seen
But still believe

Once upon a time
I'm lost and found
I'm saved and drowned
I'm everything and nothing all at once
I'm so far gone
But I'm already home
With everything and nothing but Your love

My heart is tin but love is real
I'm unconvinced by what I feel
No yellow bricks to pave this road
Oh, straight and narrow lead me home
Lead me home

I'm lost and found
I'm saved and drowned
I'm everything and nothing all at once
Oh, I'm so far gone
But I'm already home
With everything and nothing but Your love
Everything and nothing
Everything and nothing
Everything and nothing but Your love
Nothing but Your love
Nothing but Your love

Taking Ownership

How much more effort would we put into something if we owned it? 

This evening (last Saturday) I'm siting at the elevator with the third load of wheat I've brought in, since dad was finally able to get the combine going and get harvest started. The wheat is already on the dry side, but it is still yielding a pretty good test weight. I recognize numerous faces in the driver seats of other trucks, mostly due to my time as a waitress at Butch's Diner here in town in my early high school years. 

The demeanor of the gentlemen probing the trucks and handing out tickets, struck me. He says thank you as he hands you the ticket, but it's all words. His body language, his tone of voice, his lack of enthusiasm say to me, I'd rather be somewhere else or working with a different customer. As I drove away, noting that that kind of bugged me, I prayed, "Lord, bless him, help change me." Maybe he's got something going on that I have no idea about, or any sort of challenge that is not necessary or professional to bring up at work. Besides I tend to only see this person this time of year when I haul in wheat for harvest. 

I'm digressing. All this thought prompting me to be more aware of how the people interact with each day perceive me, especially those I'm calling for my job. Do I take ownership in the work I do. If I did a better job at owning my work, would I find more joy in it? 

In my continued search of how to best use my spiritual gifts (service, knowledge, intercession, faith, generosity), I'm tempted to ponder if there is really a place I belong or a specific job I'm meant to do. Now this is a dangerous train of thought and could easily pull me into the trap of "woe is me."  How does that glorify God? Rather, I can take the thought and direct it towards how can beat put my gifts to use where I am? Lord, help me find joy in the work I do each day.

My thoughts also jumped to, if I owned the property on which I lived, I might have more livelihood. Frank Hanna, in his book, "What Your Money Means and How to Use it Well," speaks of the value of individual ownership to the economy and society. This ownership ranges from businesses, homes, vehicles, land, etc..  He quotes Aristotle.

"Property should be private, but the use of it common; and the special business of the legislator is to create in men this benevolent disposition."

"Rather from time immemorial all successful societies have adopted private ownership because experience showed that it is generally the best way to draw forth from the earth the maximum benefit for the most people."

And Hanna paraphrases St. Thomas Aquinas: "... private ownership yields a society that is ultimately wealthier, ordered better, and more harmonious than one which doesn't allow private ownership."

I've just moved (yet again) to a house that I am renting with two other wonderful young women. I'm sure I will treat it much like my own, but there are somethings I won't do because it is not mine: put new organization selves in the closet to better use the space, paint walls, replace curtains that are faded but difficult to detach.

Pray for me. It seems God wants me to trust him even more.

Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable

I belong to a group of persons who regularly participate in a three day retreat centered around the Paschal Mystery in which every individual encounters the person of Jesus Christ both in the Eucharist and the persons around them.  This last retreat that took place, I was not a participate or part of the team, rather I took part by offering prayers for the team and candidates, along with other members of the same community.  One of my roles was to offer a short meditation on how I am living out the Paschal Mystery in my fourth day, or life after having encountered Christ.  Part of this encounter is to recognize that we can willingly participate in the Paschal Mystery, the life, suffering, death and Resurrection of Christ, every day, or we can dismiss it and be passive about the events and tasks of each day. 

Yesterday, I was feeling very affirmed in being a daughter of God, recognizing my particular gifts and finally being more accepting of them than I have been in a long time.  I'm still learning what the best way to use those gifts might be, however, I've made progress.  Today, I recognize that once again, I am daily dying to self in hopes that Christ might be more alive in me.  It was brought to my attention this morning, a tendency I have to try to squeeze as much personal benefit out of a situation, when possible.  And it's not always intentional, but rather done in a more subconscious way - like a habit developed long ago, which will really take some work and living in the crucible of humiliation to eliminate from my selfish disposition. 

In the past, such acknowledgement of self-lacking would bring me first discomfort, and then distress, almost and often to the point of scruples.  I have strived for perfection for far too long and have much concern for appearance, a worldly trait I still possess.  Thanks Autumn for your FB post today:

"Appearance has become a standard. We have grown so numb to the realities of good and evil that lying and cheating have become almost universally accepted as necessary evils. So we tolerate them, as long as they are performed in the dim light of respectability." Socially acceptable =/= acceptable in the eyes of Christ. This breaks my heart on a daily basis. Be who GOD created you to be...

This undesirable trait has been deeply embedded within me for far too long, and in hindsight, I would say our good and gracious God knows this about me and has spent much time, especially this past year, to purge me of this worldliness.  Thus, in light of living out the Paschal Mystery, I recognize that this feeling of discomfort.  The drawing to my attention of my imperfections is not something I need to be so discouraged about, but rather recognize the discomfort and then call upon God to have mercy on me. It is our human concupiscence, our tendency toward sin and selfishness.  Fortunately, we have years and years to grow. We are not like angels, in that once we make a decision, it is infinite and cannot be changed.  Rather we humans have to learn things over and over and over again for them to become a part of who we are. 

While I still have room to grow, I am comfortable being uncomfortable; carrying my cross daily, recognizing that God is God and I am not, nor should I being trying to be (again not that I do it intentionally). I'm comfortable knowing that I have much worldliness and selfish tendencies to be purged. I pray God continues this good work He has begun in me. 

Sloth and the Noonday Devil

In light of my absense, I feel as though this post is very fitting to how I'm feeling. I've experienced the Noon-day Devil a time or two, and too often, he gets the best of me.

Stay the course!

http://blog.adw.org/2013/06/on-sloth-and-the-noonday-devil/

Poor In Spirit

"Blessed are the Poor in Spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven." (Mt 5:3)

Spiritual Poverty as the Way to Open One's Heart to God Who is Knocking

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, [then] I will enter his house and dine with him, and he with me." (Rev 3:20)

Open Wide the Door to Christ is the book the Missionaries of Charity were reading as part of the Thursday conferences when I arrived. I caught the last couple of chapters, I think. What I heard was enough to make the book stick with me and think I should like to pick it up and read it some day. I've had it in my possession for more than the past month and have only finally begun to read it. Here are a few quotes from what I've read, and I've only just begun. Though taken out of context, I hope they can shed some light on what it means to be poor in spirit. 


"- the reality that spiritual poverty is the only path that allows us to obtain the only true treasure worth living for, our complete union with and participation in the inner life of our Triune God." 

"We need to listen for God's patient knocking.  He waits for us to open the doors of our hearts so He can rescue us from the temporal prisons of our own design."

St. John of the Cross calls "spiritual poverty", the stripping of the soul from everything that is not God. 

God's knocking is His call to you to turn your head and fix the gaze of your soul in His direction. He wants to give you His heart and, in this way, fill the emptiness of your human heart which is greedy for garbage. 

He has to crush the barricades that surround the heart and reconstruct our interior selves such that our interior selves will be pleasing to Him, not to us. 

... the path to poverty entails turning our hearts away from the things to which we are attached so that we are not enslaved by them.

God desires to give you the freedom of spiritual poverty... (losing something - paraphrased) is His way of asking you to accept loss so that you may become poor and free for Him. 

At present, much of this sounds painful. Yet, we are taught to believe, through the examples of the saints, joy will come from all this. After all, we were not made for this world, but for eternity, for "participation in the inner life of our Triune God." Our reward is not to be had on earth, but to be stored up in heaven to be given to us when we arrive.  

I pray the beginning of your Lent is blessed, as "our Lenten penance may be more effective if we fail in our resolution than if we succeed, for its purpose is not to confirm us in our sense of virtue, but to bring home to us our radical need of salvation." "Jesus is Savior, but he will only save those who know their need for salvation."   - Mark Searle, the Spirit of Lent

Being a Sales Representative

I feel like a leper. As soon as people figure out that I’m not calling from a local location, and I work for a business where my sole job is to ask people if they want to advertise on a Catholic parish’s website, they get cold. Some people have a natural phobia of sales people. Some just don’t want to talk to a stranger. Others, well, I don’t know what to say about them.

There are points in my day where I don’t want to keep calling these businesses, because I am, eighty percent certain I’ll be rejected. Actually, they aren’t rejecting me and I cannot take this personally. They are rejecting the opportunity to advertise on a website. However, I’ve learned that doing what I don’t want to do is good for me and good for business. I have to sift out all the “no’s” to find the “yeses”. Most times that’s about one in sixty at this point, but hey, that’s what makes what I do challenging.

I didn’t like it for the first two weeks, I admit. Cold calling is not fun. But the environment in which I work, the people I get to have lunch with, and ping pong are all great. Being a Sponsorship Sales Representative is growing my mental toughness. I don’t want to call these people, but you know what, I can’t avoid it and there is no point in wasting my time. I’m better off just calling the people, and asking them if they would be interested in supporting a parish in this manner. Sometimes there is a grouch on the other end of the phone, sometimes there’s a little old lady who has squirrels and birds in her attic and a skunk under her house who is still very joyful about life. (I talked with her this morning. She never married and doesn’t have any kids, so there is no one to take care of her home except for her. The alterations lady in Kingman, if anyone is looking for a kind deed to do or an elderly person to go visit and spend time with.)

One of my realizations today, and I’ve been gradually discovering over the last three weeks, is that I can pray for the people I talk to, whether it be the couple who just took over a general store, the insurance man who is venturing out on his own, of just someone who might not be having the best of days, I can pray for these complete strangers. I may never know what comes of them or if my prayers and efforts have any effect on them, but nonetheless, I can pray for them. 

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. 

Praying For Poverty

Sounds like something only a lunatic would do, right?

Then I guess I qualify. Ever since my time with the Missionaries of Charity, poverty, or growing in poverty has been a component of my daily prayer. First, in reflection of the Nativity, and the poverty Christ undertook to become like us. 

"No one, whether shepherd or wise man, can approach God here below except by kneeling before the manger at Bethlehem and adoring him hidden in the weakness of a new-born child." (CCC 563)

Second, in light of my own poverty. Once you've moved past material poverty, which in reality I still have many things, mostly useful things, you move on to spiritual poverty, social poverty, and sometimes intellectual poverty. Sounds like it could be painful, and in many ways it is. At the same time, there is so much beauty in this kind of poverty. One of the main lessons I'm still learning that I understand God to be teaching me is to find my worth in being a beloved daughter of God.  Not in what I do with my day, who I spend time with, or how I'm contribute to the work of the Church. 

I've been putting off writing a "Christmas letter" with the traditional updates of what's been going on in my life. Mostly I've been hoping to be able to include what my new place of employment will  be. However, it seems that God is continuing to humble me. The humiliation of telling people you are job searching or unemployed continues. As it does, he is increasing my receptivity, or my willingness to accept whatever it is he is preparing for me or preparing me for. There have been mountains and valleys especially throughout the past two months. God has given me just enough affirmation or direction to make it through the next few days or the next week. In the words of Venerable John Henry Cardinal Newman:

"Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene—one step enough for me."

Third, in understanding that NOTHING I do can hinder or change His love for me.  I am little and pray, like St. Therese of the Child Jesus and the Holy Face, pray to love my littleness. I am nothing without Him. 1 John 4:19 states, "We love because he first loved us." He love us. Oh, how He love us. I need not have words, prayers, thoughts, or books when I go to visit Him in the Blessed Sacrament. However, this is often times my attitude towards prayer, towards my relationship with God. Too often, I do all the talking. Poverty of me. Blessed Teresa of Calcutta writes in No Greater Love,  

"We too are called to withdraw at certain intervals into deeper silence and aloneness with God, together as a community as well as personally. To be alone with Him, not with our books, thoughts, and memories but completely stripped of everything, to dwell lovingly in His presence - silent, empty, expectant, and motionless."

Thus He is growing my poverty in prayer as well. Should I stop praying for poverty? No, that's like saying I should stop praying for trust, or patience or humility, or for the grace to respond to grace.  As I continue to pray for poverty, there is no doubt that God will provide me with the grace, strength and opportunities for poverty.  St. Francis of Assisi says, "The opposite of love is possession."  Thus in my poverty, I am growing in love. "God is love."  (1 John 4:8,16)

Being Childlike

One of the many lessons learned while spending my five weeks with the Missionaries of Charity was being childlike. The virtue of being childlike is that of obedience, or in the case of the consecrated religious, it is a vow they take. There is grace to be had in obedience. 

The homeless shelter that the MCs operate is a night shelter for women and children. One evening, when it was time for lights out and the ladies continued to talk, Sr. Marie opted to give the ladies a catechesis lesson in conforming ourselves to God's will. Responding to a question one of the ladies asked, she explained that when we have a question we should take it to prayer, study scripture, etc. But ultimately, she explained how when we obey, there is grace. Knowing now there is grace in obedience, there were numerous occasions where I felt very childlike, some times because of my poor choices, other times because of my lack of understanding, and others because I was given the grace to recognize that I am child of God. 

One evening, when I was still learning the schedule, I opted to pray Vespers by myself. Fortunately, Sr. Mercita noticed what I was doing and said in a stern but loving voice, "Divine Office will be at 7:30." She continued to look at me until I closed my breviary. Leaving, I felt like I had been kicked out of the chapel. A short while later, I found myself outside reading Abandonment to Divine Providence. It was a small change of heart, but the prayers with Srs. proved to be even more fruitful than it would have been by myself. And I needed to read from that book that evening. 

Any time I had to carry out or live out the rules of the shelter in regards to how I served the ladies was tough, as the rules weren't my own and I didn't understand the reasoning behind some of them. I was chastised a little and in a loving way for returning cell phones to the ladies five minutes too soon. Other times, I just forgot to remind the ladies of the rules, especially in regards to clean-up, laundry and dishes, because I wasn't yet used to them. 

On many occasions, I felt like a little kid when interacting with, serving beside, or talking to one of the MC sisters. They themselves have such childlike humility and obedience, one can't help but to experience it through them. Whether they were explaining something new to me, or something I had already heard from another sister.

From my journal: "I was such a child this morning. After setting out breakfast for the ladies and having heard the doorbell ring twice, as I was sweeping the floor of my room, I said in my mind, 'if mass time has changed, someone better tell me.' A short while later, Sr. Marie was calling my name. As I got to the chapel, I looked at my schedule to realize that the Wednesday morning mass is always at 6:30 instead of 7:00. Humbled."  God responded to my request, though I'm not so sure I deserved it. 

Another excerpt: "I'm such a little kid. I'm so eager to share myself with the sisters in many ways. This evening, for instance, I was responding to a letter that had been written to me on a Buca di Beppo menu, to which had been afixed a picture of the person's family and a Blessed Teresa of Calcutta holy card with a note "Blessed Teresa of Calcutta, guide Jackie." I had opted to spend that portion of my evening in the sacristy, the quietest place I could find in the shelter, honestly with hopes of being able to show one of the sisters should they happen to walk in..."

One of the volunteers with whom I spent one of my Fridays expressed to me the beauty of the vow of obedience. "To be told to do something, to stop what you are doing and go do it..." In some ways it is a freedom to not have to make your own decisions. Vita, the volunteer, also expressed how we should be obedient to the sisters when we are at the shelter or the soup kitchen and working with, for, and beside them. 

At one point in my experience, I was the pester-some child, asking God, "Why? But why? How? But How?" Have you even been or seen that little kid asking, "Why daddy, why?"

One Thursday evening, a couple of times I attempted to go to the chapel, but the door was locked. Thinking there had to be some reason, I decided I would not say night prayer with sisters, but would go ahead a get some sleep. Fortunately, Sr. Romero had come to give a new set of sheets to one of the ladies, during which she asked if I was coming to prayer, and invited me to join them for adoration from 11-12 that night. "Going to the chapel, I felt like I was-had been childish with a loved one, and was coming to make up or admit my fault." 

"How do you give Jesus love to love? By your confidence in Him." - I Believe in Love by Fr. Jean C. J. d'Elbee

"I think little children pleases their parents as much when they sleep as when they are awake." - St. Therese of Lisieux

"When we say: Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven, we are asking him to make us obedient so that his will may be done in us as it is done in heaven by his angels."

Finally, I leave you with this prayer, in hopes that you, too, will grow in childlikeness and obedience. 

St. Therese of the Child Jesus and the Holy Face: Teach us to follow your way of confidence and trust. Help us to realize that a Father's love watches over us each day of our lives. Give us your own faith and trust, so that we may walk in darkness as in the light, holding fast to the way of love, knowing as you did, that everything is grace. 

The Cost of Economy

is charity. How so? Let me explain.

An email is more efficient, but a letter sent by snail mail is so much more meaningful, especially if hand-written.

I'm not really coming up with any other examples at present. But think of situations or tasks by which something is made more efficient or cost effective. Now consider if that same situation or task eliminates time spent with another person, building character, or even the creation of something unique or original. 

In working alongside one of the volunteers who consistently help the Missionaries of Charity, she mentioned that Sisters are guided by charity not economy. The choice of love over the easy or cheap way. Hmm. 

Now dictionary.com defines charity as "benevolent goodwill toward or love of humanity" As Christians, we know that charity, or love, is the third and greatest theological virtue.  A lot of people will consider charity to be that monetary gift to a group, organization, or even individual in need. But I challenge you to think of charity as the gift given without expecting anything in return. This gift can be in the form of time, talent, treasure, or material items.  I learned the hard way, awhile back, that one will be quickly disappointed if they expect all their acts of generosity, love, or even kindness to be reciprocated. 

Let's think in terms of the economy. I don't want to discredit means of mass production. There is a lot of benefit to it. But at what point do we begin to create junk in the name of cost effectiveness? How much better would our personal creations be - movies, photos, paintings, stories, music, etc - if we weren't used to so many replicas? The reasons originals cost so much is because they are that - originals. Handcrafted furniture is an example I can think of by which a person lives charity (goodwill toward humanity) by creating it, and in that they are hopefully living the authentic call of God's will. 

The cost of economy is also laziness. We often will choose the easy means over the quality and right means to accomplish a task or do what is needed. I'm guilty of this darn near every day, though on the farm, I've learned, this usually quickly back fires on you. An example (non-farm) would be what my family terms cardboard (frozen) pizza. It's not near as good as the hand made kinds but it sure is quick. 

How hindered are our relationships because we choose to communicate via text, e-mail, and occasionally, phone call? What would be the value of actually driving a distance to visit a friend, especially if a significant distance? Now I'll be the first to admit that I've been blessed with an abundance of freedom at present (that comes with its own cost), and have utilized a lot of that time to drive and visit a few friends here and there. Do we all have the freedom to do this? No. But it sure means a lot to a person when you do. 

Do you get my drift? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? I think this post is mostly a bunch of ramblings about some thing I might claim to know something about. As Venerable Archbishop Fulton Sheen would say, if there is anything good in this [post], it is of God. If there is anything terrible, it is of me. 

Even in need of His great mercy. God Bless.

Laity are Called to Be Holy, Too

"Are you sure you don't have a vocation to the religious life? It's a great life and would be worth it."

May God be praised. In the four weeks that I've been on the farm after my time spent in St. Louis, I've come to more fully process my experience, and as my spiritual director said, I've begun to learn how to listen to my heart. 

Time and time again, people have told me they sense I have a religious vocation. Thank you. But, also, no thank you. I'm not saying people shouldn't say that or that we should not encourage people to consider religious life. I'm saying that I let what other people say and think about me affect what I thought about myself and my vocation. We have to learn to distinguish between the voices we hear: God's, ours, the world's, and the devil's. Do we listen to the voice, correct the voice, or rebuke the voice? (simple lesson in spiritual direction...)

Yes, I can and am closing the door on discerning religious orders. I am called to live with a depth of holiness in the world. I think the reason so many people encouraged me towards the religious life is because, by God's grace and many gifts, I have a faith, a spirituality, a prayer life that is deeper than many people, so much so that it is odd or intimidating to them. Okay. So be it. It is not of my own accord, but by the will of God that I have been blessed so, and that He has given me the grace to accept it. Through many experiences, talks, conversations, and prayer, I've come to realize that just because you are called deeper into prayer and spirituality doesn't mean you are called to be a priest or religious. We need that kind of holiness in our laity. If you are prompted or think you are called, it does not hurt to check out a religious vocation.

The very first statement of this post is some thing that was said to me yesterday morning, by a priest I had just met. It once again made me question my vocation. Just a week prior, I had been so absolutely certain. The uncertainty continued to bug me a bit throughout the day. In the environment I was in, a CLAY retreat, I saw another laity, a father of four, striving to include the liturgy of the hours in his day. It was a reminder that that's the kind of holiness I want to strive for. Finally, on my drive home last night, I was once again certain that pursuing the religious vocation would not be following my own heart and the authentic me God is calling me to be, rather it would be following the expectations of the people around me.

The secular life of laity does not have to be an unholier life. Laity are called to be holy, too. 

St. Maria and St. Isidore, pray for us. 

Blessed Louis and Zélie Martin, pray for us.
Blessed Maria and Luigi Beltrame Quattrocchi, pray for us.

Not Just Responsibility, Rather Fidelity

"We can do no great things. Only small things with great love."
"God has not called me to be successful. He called me to be faithful."

These two quotes by Blessed Teresa of Calcutta are quite common and favorites of many. I'm particularly fond of them.

A great blessings recently bestowed on me was the opportunity to live out the charism of Mother Teresa over the course of five weeks, however poorly I may have done so. As a volunteer, I lived, prayed and worked along side six Missionary Sisters of Charity in their house in St. Louis. The results of which is much interior growth, parts of which I shall share through several blogs.

This morning (Friday), my dad had to grind a batch or two of grain for the livestock at home while I've been assigned to help my brother get started chopping and hauling silage. We're not started yet, as something is amiss with the chopper. That mechanical knowledge is beyond me and Phillip has taken it into his hands to fix it. Regardless, we each have a responsibility this morning. We can go about our tasks grudgingly and grumpy, or we can perform them out of love or fidelity. Love of what or whom? God of course. For it is He who placed each of us in this role this day, and so much more.

Our degree of fidelity is the extent to which we submit to or choose that which we are called to do, and how well we do it. I could consider driving silage truck to be mundane and perform my tasks poorly, by driving recklessly or spilling silage unnecessarily. Or I can choose to do this well, making it a prayer by finding ways to delight in that which I do, recite a rosary or two during my many eight mile round treks from field to trench, fast from snacking or sunflower seeds for an hour within the day, or simply find ways to be charitable to those with whom I work and offer up that which I desire not to do and do it any way.

That is one way it which we can apply fidelity. Another is that of our daily self-maintenance, if you will. God manifests Himself in the flesh and the flesh is the means by which we encounter God. While I could tangent this topic, the direction that I want to go is to care for our bodies, temples of the Holy Spirit, with fidelity.  Fidelity is faithfulness. How faithful are you to the simple tasks of brushing your teeth, washing your face, showering, eating regular healthy meals, doing your laundry? The list could continue.

In a recent post, I mentioned something about having to do things over and over, so we can learn from them. I described the monotony as a duty of love. We'll doing these things and doing these things with love is a means of practicing fidelity (and charity if done for another person). Such things are not just a responsibility. They are a call to fidelity, to faithfulness, to doing small things with great love.

September 5 was/is the feast day of Blessed Teresa of Calcutta. During a mass in her honor, Auxiliary Bishop Rice (St. Louis) spoke especially of Mother Teresa's fidelity to Christ, and His call for her to love Him, for Himself; not for his gifts, the feelings He evoked or the consolations He offered. Love God for God. Blessed Teresa did, as have many, many saints before her.

When I recognize within myself a lack of willingness to brush my teeth or wash my face, I am convicted of my lack of love and my need to grow in and practice fidelity. In particular, last night, after seven plus hours of driving truck and then doing chores, I was reluctant to say my prayers amongst other things. I told Jesus He would have to do them through me for I knew in my weakness I would not be willing. Love never fails.

Thus, I challenge you to see your struggles as opportunities to grow in fidelity; in faithfulness and love. So much easier said than done.

In Christ.