I'm Not Perfect, and I Don't Pretend to Be

Or do I?

As a senior at K-State, having spent the last four years in the same town with some of the same people, I should know a) that I'm not perfect and b) who I really am. In a few weeks I will begin my last semester on campus (and will student teaching in the coming fall), yet I can't be more ready to be a more solid environment, uncertain that I am truly being myself.

Why do I say that? Isn't K-State a solid place? Have I not found who I am and do I not live it? Yes, K-state is great; there are great people and opportunities abound. Sometimes I'm still the same person I was as a freshman, yet I have changed so much. Am I happy here? As happy as I allow myself to be. A few months ago, I had a friend suggest that I take a semester off of college to "find myself" so to speak. Yet, I am still here, searching out my purpose in life.

My freshman year I served as a state officer in the Kansas FFA Association. Our year concluded with the annual Kansas FFA Convention, hosted here on K-State's campus in McCain Auditorium. My teammates and I each presented a retiring address (RA) to highlight some of the things we had learned in our FFA careers. My RA was built around the song "Mirror" by Barlow Girl, and was titled, "I Define Me". My speech began with a simple setting of my looking through a dictionary in an attempt to find the definition of my me, or my name. Unsuccessful, I slammed the book shut, threw it on the floor, stood up and said, "Who am I kidding? If my brothers knew what I was doing right now,..." I just went back to find the document of my RA to see what I really said. Yup it is still on my laptop. A lot of work went into writing and practicing that speech, with much support from many individuals. How good it would be to put that much effort into all that I do.

Back to the point. I have only read the first two paragraphs of my RA, and this statement stands out to me: "Webster wouldn’t know how to define me anyways." Replace the name Webster with any person you know, and apply the same idea to your life. One key statement I will never forget from my RA, is when I looked into a mirror (set on stage as a prop) and asked myself, "Why isn't who I am when I am by myself, the same person I am when I am around other people?" Oddly enough, I can still ask myself that question today, and sometimes wonder, who is the real Jackie? Am I the same person all the time. Over a year after giving my RA, one of my closest friends told me that I was a different person at home than I was when I was at school. Ironic isn't it, how we choose to speak about the very topics that we struggle with the most?

So what is it that prevents me from being happy, and being my true self? I guess that I am too often concerned of what others think about me. Having coffee with a good friend this past Tuesday, he shared with me that he is ready to be in a new place and escape the expectations that others have of him. He wasn't saying that college has been a bad experience for him, but even with all the changes that college students experience, it is so easy to be what those around us expect us to be, whether grumpy, civil, over-achievers, or the like. We gain a group of friends who may unintentionally want us to continue to be the same person they originally met. Now was that original person any more perfect than who they are now? Most likely not. As a matter of fact, they will probably have improved themselves quite a bit.

What does all this have to do with me not pretending to be perfect? That is just it. I want to hide my flaws, though I would probably be more human and more approachable if I did not hide them. Growing up on a farm, away from the rest of the world, it was so freeing to not be on stage or around lots of people. I was so care free. Yes, my siblings and I still had to be on good behavior, but we could still do so much of what we wanted to do. ...So can I not do what I want to as a college student? I could, I just have spent so much time living up to others expectations (including my parents when at home), that I have struggled to know what it is that I expect of myself. That in itself is one of my weaknesses.

I truly believe that each and every person is where they are supposed to be, growing with people and facing challenges specifically meant for them and the skills and talents that they possess. Yes you may struggle. Yes, you may question. But ultimately, remember that we are all learning. Do not worry about whether or not someone else judges you, because it is likely that will judge you wrongly. They too have their own worries and challeges to face in life. Turn to God. If your cup is too full, there is not room for Him.
Just remember to "put yourself in God's frame of reference. We're not ready for what God wants to accomplish for us; a long period of training in the divine school." Quoted from this youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAWnDA5cWD8. An appropriate thought for this season of Advent, as we are so close to Christmas.

Find aww in the way in which God is working in your life. Maybe he's pulling the weeds, or giving your a drink, or perhaps some fertilizer. On occassions, I am sure we all just need a bit of sun.  Do not pretend to be perfect, for that is not what God has called you to be.

Stop. Reflect. Find an Answer

What is going on? Why is it that I cannot get out of bed in the morning except for just in time to get ready to class - and walk in just before (or after) the bell rings?


"Unless you try to do more than you can, you will never do all that you can."


 I don’t recall where this quote came from, but I know I remember seeing it before, maybe as a freshman. It is what comes to mind when I think about all that I amdoing in life right now, which does not seem like much, especially in comparison to previous semesters or earlier this semester alone. I figured out just the other day that the semester I was enrolled in the fewest hours was my semester with my worst GPA.  So what is going on?

That’s a good question. I wish I knew myself. I’ve known for awhile now that I just haven’t really been on my game. I had the chance to stop and reflect for a little while last night. As Catholics, the sacrament of Reconciliation really gives us a chance to stop, reflect, and consider our actions. Are we doing everything possible on our path towards heaven? Or is our path and actions leading us in another direction?

This past summer, I had the opportunity to teach Totus Tuus camp for the Diocese of Wichita. Located near Lyons, KS, Camp WaJaTo was the home to my teammates and I, for four nights and five days a week for eight weeks of the summer, along with many campers.  This summer included a lot of time in the chapel, whether for mass, Liturgy of the Hours, or simple adoration.  The priest in charge of the camp challenged my teammates and I to spend a half hour in adoration every day during our off weeks (ladies pray for the gentlemen when boys were at camp, gentlemen pray for the ladies when girls were at camp) and for an hour each day on the weekends. Pair this with daily mass, a daily rosary, chaplet of Divine Mercy, morning, evening, and night prayer, and the Angelus, it was quite the prayerful experience.

I admit that leaving that atmosphere and my teammates was a big challenge. Five months later, I’m still feeling the effects of struggling to maintain a strong prayer life. Without a group to support you who say all the prayers that you say, it is really easy to get burnt out, or simply give up. While I have not given up completely, I’ve lost a lot of the motivation that I had both during the summer and prior to my Totus Tuus experience.

What is the solution to my lack of desire to get up in the morning? I think the answer is more structure to my prayer life. Perhaps it’s an accountability partner. Maybe it is simply reconnecting once again with my teammates from this summer.

As a college student, my days are never the same. I get five hours of sleep one night, eight the next, five the following, and nine the next. There is very little consistency beyond class and work. Help me, Oh Lord, to see ways to improve my daily life and continue to grow in your love.