Everything and Nothing

I might have finally realized the difference between what I think I want to do and would be a good contribution to the world, and what it is that God is calling me to do. I have divine appointments to keep, work to do for the Kingdom, and joy comes in aligning my wants with what God wills for me. He created me for a purpose. 

Teaching was and is a good thing, but it is not the purpose God has called me to, nor the reason he created me (I don't think). Three times yesterday I was asked if I think I will return to teaching. Each time, I said "I don't think so." I have a bit of a teacher in me, but it's not my dominate strength. My spiritual gifts lie in knowledge, intercession (prayer), faith, and service (giving). I'm a guardian inspector according to the Keirsey temperament assessment (also know as Myers-Briggs). God had to take me away from teaching in order to prepare me for and allow me to do what He wills. I have a job that pays the bills, and in turn I can leave work at work, and do His work outside of that particular environment. What exactly that is yet, I'm not sure. He's writing the story of my life, and helping me to get perspective on it. He's freeing me from the chains I've created for myself. I'm still learning what that purpose is and may never truly understand it (by divine providence to keep me from becoming proud). However, I can say I'm experiencing a new found zeal and love for our Lord and souls. 

In the past two years or so, God has done much to grow me. In the last five years he has done a lot of work on this poor soul. I'm getting a glimpse of myself as He sees me, though that is often times still blurred by the way in which I see myself. I'm sorry for the vagueness of this post, but I'm wanting to share/commit to writing these thoughts floating around my head before I forget them. Matt Maher's song, Everything and Nothing started playing in my head yesterday morning, and I've listened to it over and over. And last night I heard a witness meditation titled, Lost and Found and Lost Again. All seems fitting for me at the present. I'll leave you with the lyrics. (Another song catching my attention of late is Awake My Soul by Mumford and Sons.)

Come let us return to where we were
Back to knowing life and saving words
Back to where we heard redemption speak
Where You brought us to our knees

Come let us return to Eden's heart
Long before the fall, back to the start
Back before we covered up our sin
And took a second skin

Once upon a time
I'm lost and found
I'm saved and drowned
I'm everything and nothing all at once
I'm so far gone
But I'm already home
With everything and nothing but Your love

Come let us discover something new
Cause we're all pilgrims on a journey to the truth
We're all wanderers relying on a man
To help us understand

Cause everybody wants to see the proof
We're always tripping on our pride to get to You
So blessed are the ones who haven't seen
But still believe

Once upon a time
I'm lost and found
I'm saved and drowned
I'm everything and nothing all at once
I'm so far gone
But I'm already home
With everything and nothing but Your love

My heart is tin but love is real
I'm unconvinced by what I feel
No yellow bricks to pave this road
Oh, straight and narrow lead me home
Lead me home

I'm lost and found
I'm saved and drowned
I'm everything and nothing all at once
Oh, I'm so far gone
But I'm already home
With everything and nothing but Your love
Everything and nothing
Everything and nothing
Everything and nothing but Your love
Nothing but Your love
Nothing but Your love

Taking Ownership

How much more effort would we put into something if we owned it? 

This evening (last Saturday) I'm siting at the elevator with the third load of wheat I've brought in, since dad was finally able to get the combine going and get harvest started. The wheat is already on the dry side, but it is still yielding a pretty good test weight. I recognize numerous faces in the driver seats of other trucks, mostly due to my time as a waitress at Butch's Diner here in town in my early high school years. 

The demeanor of the gentlemen probing the trucks and handing out tickets, struck me. He says thank you as he hands you the ticket, but it's all words. His body language, his tone of voice, his lack of enthusiasm say to me, I'd rather be somewhere else or working with a different customer. As I drove away, noting that that kind of bugged me, I prayed, "Lord, bless him, help change me." Maybe he's got something going on that I have no idea about, or any sort of challenge that is not necessary or professional to bring up at work. Besides I tend to only see this person this time of year when I haul in wheat for harvest. 

I'm digressing. All this thought prompting me to be more aware of how the people interact with each day perceive me, especially those I'm calling for my job. Do I take ownership in the work I do. If I did a better job at owning my work, would I find more joy in it? 

In my continued search of how to best use my spiritual gifts (service, knowledge, intercession, faith, generosity), I'm tempted to ponder if there is really a place I belong or a specific job I'm meant to do. Now this is a dangerous train of thought and could easily pull me into the trap of "woe is me."  How does that glorify God? Rather, I can take the thought and direct it towards how can beat put my gifts to use where I am? Lord, help me find joy in the work I do each day.

My thoughts also jumped to, if I owned the property on which I lived, I might have more livelihood. Frank Hanna, in his book, "What Your Money Means and How to Use it Well," speaks of the value of individual ownership to the economy and society. This ownership ranges from businesses, homes, vehicles, land, etc..  He quotes Aristotle.

"Property should be private, but the use of it common; and the special business of the legislator is to create in men this benevolent disposition."

"Rather from time immemorial all successful societies have adopted private ownership because experience showed that it is generally the best way to draw forth from the earth the maximum benefit for the most people."

And Hanna paraphrases St. Thomas Aquinas: "... private ownership yields a society that is ultimately wealthier, ordered better, and more harmonious than one which doesn't allow private ownership."

I've just moved (yet again) to a house that I am renting with two other wonderful young women. I'm sure I will treat it much like my own, but there are somethings I won't do because it is not mine: put new organization selves in the closet to better use the space, paint walls, replace curtains that are faded but difficult to detach.

Pray for me. It seems God wants me to trust him even more.