And I do not know which I shall choose.

"Brothers and sisters:
Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death.
For to me life is Christ, and death is gain.
If I go on living in the flesh,
that means fruitful labor for me.
And I do not know which I shall choose.
I am caught between the two.
I long to depart this life and be with Christ,
for that is far better.
Yet that I remain in the flesh
is more necessary for your benefit."

Philippians 1:20-24

Tonight, as I reread through today's Mass readings, there is a piece in this passage that catches my attention. While I do seek to go to heaven to be with Christ, there is a more earthly comparison I would like to make in reference to this piece of scripture. 

As many of you know, I am on a roller-coaster of a journey in spiritual and vocational discernment. I would like to say that my highs and lows go with summer and school, respectively, but that is not always the case. I learn about the depths and the beauty of the religious vocation and soon find myself still considering the idea of married life. Regardless of which one I shall choose, in time, my current vocation is to love the people present in my life. Here is a quote from a dear friend, and former teammate. I feel like I may have posted this before, but instead of referencing that post, I'll share again. I know I have to learn most lessons more than once.


"The world's vocation is to love. All of our vocations are to love. We are to sacrifice for one another, and not expect anything in return. What we seek, though, is the role of love that we are supposed to play. Whether this is as a religious or as a rock in a family, we have to discern God's will. But we shouldn't expect God to bend to our timeline. No, we discern in our daily lives. We show that we trust in Him by living the best we can, in the situation we are in now. We don't plan our vocation... we live it out."

And I keep planning, which distracts me from just living. I'm continuing to learn more about myself and my strengths, often trying to guess where they would be better put to use. I am definitely gaining a unique skill set as an educator, advisor and coach. These skills will be put to proper use in His time. Even this afternoon, I was leaning towards the idea of remaining present in the world as His instrument, which would be "necessary for your benefit." Yet, as I drove away from being present with my brothers and sisters in Christ, I was reminded of my longings to be rid of the worldly desires that can so often distract me from Christ. But is that the evil one taunting me? Mamma Mary, keep me in your care.

Thus "I do not know which one I shall choose. I long to depart this life and be with Christ, for that is far better." I seek to be in a cloister, as His bride. But I also seek to remain present, "living in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me... Yet that I remain in the flesh is more necessary for your benefit." For I trust there is many ways He can use me, even without my consent. Pax. 

Be Patient With Me, God Isn't Finished Yet

I don't know where I first heard this phrase. In a quick google, I learned it is the title of a book, but I didn't look much further.

This has been a strong message in the recent weeks. Adapting to the new school year has been a challenge. I was hopeful that one semester of teaching had prepared me for much of what was to come along next. Nope. Not hardly. Summer was nothing compared to my summers with Totus Tuus and Prayer and Action, but it still spoiled me with having little to absolutely need to accomplish each day and setting about my own schedule with little accountability to anyone. The school year has been so much different. Adjusting has been difficult.

"Be stern, Jackie." "You can always lighten up later, but you can never get tougher." These were some of the common phrases I heard throughout the first two weeks of school. "Those boys will push." And indeed, my shop boys push for freedom. In addition to still learning the ropes of being an agricultural educator and FFA advisor, I hopped on board as assistant volleyball coach, filling my schedule with several hours each week of practice, matches, travel and tournaments. I get to see a way different group of students and hopefully are enticing some to consider an agriculture class next year.

A few unexpected reprimands from an administrator (nothing extreme, but enough to challenge one to shape up), feeling blind to how I was really doing as a teacher, and having little time for me, I was struggling. The Friday before labor day, I found the janitor who cleans my room present before I got away for the evening. Her words were encouraging. "Don't give up, Jackie. Never give up." We concluded that coaching is going to help me improve in toughness. That conversation was followed by my finding a slightly unpleasant letter in my school mailbox. What a great start to a three-day weekend...

Moms are such a blessing. While there are few occasions where mom and I have some good heart to hearts, Sunday was one of those occasions. It was a great conversation, though I may have shed numerous tears and caused mom to shed some as well. Between that and a conversation with my spiritual director, I realized that I was expecting too much of myself. Somehow, I was prompted to put the title of this post as my profile status before even meeting with Father. "If you were the fourth person of the Holy Trinity you could accomplish more, but you're not." Humbling conversations, even more humbling reprimands. 

God doesn't rush things, so why do we? It's our human nature to expect instant results or gratification. In reality, things don't work that way. So I've lightened up a little, and have allowed the semester to begin to take care of itself, in some ways. I'm adjusting to a better sleeping schedule (to sleep earlier and up earlier). I'm working on the regular exercise thing (though colder weather tends to hinder my running outdoors). I'm giving myself a break when I don't have everything graded and returned to my students within the week. I'm okay with 'winging it' from day to day, but trust that I will learn from my mistakes and still improve everyday. I've learned that my state of life does not allow for daily mass, not really even once a week, and I'm about over the heartache of such, learning to see Christ present without the Eucharist every day. In the past nine months, my financial management has improved tremendously, and hopefully will continue. These things take time. As will the revealing of His will for me and for you.

We've got a lifetime of learning to imitate Christ, journeying towards our heavenly home. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Aww-spiration.

Grocery List

One of the many forwards I've received...
Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store..

She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries.. She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed food.

John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once.
Visualizing the family needs, she said: 'Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can.'
John told her he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store.

Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her
family. The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, 'Do you have a grocery list?'

Louise replied, 'Yes sir.' 'O.K' he said, 'put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount in groceries.' Louise hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.

The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down.. The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, 'I can't believe it.'

The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales
would hold no more.

The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the
piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater
amazement.

It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer, which said: 'Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands.'

The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence.

Louise thanked him and left the store. The other customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said; 'It was worth every penny of it. Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs.'

Trust God to heal the sick, provide food for the hungry, clothes and shelter for those that don't have as we do. Amen