Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable

I belong to a group of persons who regularly participate in a three day retreat centered around the Paschal Mystery in which every individual encounters the person of Jesus Christ both in the Eucharist and the persons around them.  This last retreat that took place, I was not a participate or part of the team, rather I took part by offering prayers for the team and candidates, along with other members of the same community.  One of my roles was to offer a short meditation on how I am living out the Paschal Mystery in my fourth day, or life after having encountered Christ.  Part of this encounter is to recognize that we can willingly participate in the Paschal Mystery, the life, suffering, death and Resurrection of Christ, every day, or we can dismiss it and be passive about the events and tasks of each day. 

Yesterday, I was feeling very affirmed in being a daughter of God, recognizing my particular gifts and finally being more accepting of them than I have been in a long time.  I'm still learning what the best way to use those gifts might be, however, I've made progress.  Today, I recognize that once again, I am daily dying to self in hopes that Christ might be more alive in me.  It was brought to my attention this morning, a tendency I have to try to squeeze as much personal benefit out of a situation, when possible.  And it's not always intentional, but rather done in a more subconscious way - like a habit developed long ago, which will really take some work and living in the crucible of humiliation to eliminate from my selfish disposition. 

In the past, such acknowledgement of self-lacking would bring me first discomfort, and then distress, almost and often to the point of scruples.  I have strived for perfection for far too long and have much concern for appearance, a worldly trait I still possess.  Thanks Autumn for your FB post today:

"Appearance has become a standard. We have grown so numb to the realities of good and evil that lying and cheating have become almost universally accepted as necessary evils. So we tolerate them, as long as they are performed in the dim light of respectability." Socially acceptable =/= acceptable in the eyes of Christ. This breaks my heart on a daily basis. Be who GOD created you to be...

This undesirable trait has been deeply embedded within me for far too long, and in hindsight, I would say our good and gracious God knows this about me and has spent much time, especially this past year, to purge me of this worldliness.  Thus, in light of living out the Paschal Mystery, I recognize that this feeling of discomfort.  The drawing to my attention of my imperfections is not something I need to be so discouraged about, but rather recognize the discomfort and then call upon God to have mercy on me. It is our human concupiscence, our tendency toward sin and selfishness.  Fortunately, we have years and years to grow. We are not like angels, in that once we make a decision, it is infinite and cannot be changed.  Rather we humans have to learn things over and over and over again for them to become a part of who we are. 

While I still have room to grow, I am comfortable being uncomfortable; carrying my cross daily, recognizing that God is God and I am not, nor should I being trying to be (again not that I do it intentionally). I'm comfortable knowing that I have much worldliness and selfish tendencies to be purged. I pray God continues this good work He has begun in me. 

Sloth and the Noonday Devil

In light of my absense, I feel as though this post is very fitting to how I'm feeling. I've experienced the Noon-day Devil a time or two, and too often, he gets the best of me.

Stay the course!

http://blog.adw.org/2013/06/on-sloth-and-the-noonday-devil/