These are the words that were on my heart as I returned to Inman the evening of Saturday, Janaury 7. How did I get to this point? It is quite the story.
I've been meeting with a spiritual director since August. He has been great at helping me to understand life, my transitional state, and how God is ever present. As I met with Father right after Thanksgiving, I shared with him my journal-ed conversation with God from February, from which I received a push, rather the permission to take action.
Thanksgiving break found me sick on the couch for about 24 hours, doing a lot of thinking. I arrived home for break wanting to quit teaching, knowing I have a contract through May to fulfill, I considered options for fall of 2012. Pursue a masters? Enter an order? Try another school? My train of thought pondered the order idea. I've been discerning for quite some time, often considering the religious vocation, but never really taking any steps to pursue such a life. I have limited options for determining what order to enter in less than a year. Yes, I convinced myself this has to be it. Christmas break, and spring break is about all the free time I have, as weekends are pretty limited if I want to travel.
Thus after meeting with Father (Tuesday, Nov. 29), I spent a day or two choosing what order. Actually, I really didn't give myself any other options, selecting the Pink Sisters (Holy Spirit Adoration Sisters), to finally see what they are all about. By Sunday (Dec. 4), I had contacted Sister Mary Rebecca, By the 11th, I had my train ticket to St. Louis purchased. I met with Father one more time (21st) to mentally prepare myself, not really expecting too much, or so I thought.
After a short few days with family, several short conversations with my mom and sister, I departed on the Amtrak out of Newton for the 10 hour rail ride. Having only brought one book, my journal, my bible and my phone with me, I didn't give myself a way to be entertained while traveling. I did too much thinking, creating my own time line of when I would enter, because of course, I was going to like it at Mount Grace Convent.
This cloistered missionary order maintains perpetual adoration, sings all seven of the Liturgy of the Hours, which anyone can participate in, but never cross the grail. They have a rule of silence, though may speak about their tasks, and converse casually only during the recreation hour near the end of the day. I spoke one-on-one with Mother and the vocation director several times, ate my meals with the chaplain and spent much time in solitude and prayer. After 24 hours, I was convinced this way of life is too radical for me, and I was ready to go home. My train didn't depart for another 24 hours, however. That evening, I heard vocation stories from the three youngest sisters, each of which I could relate to in a particular way. One story about convinced me I indeed had a vocation to the order, making it difficult for me to sleep that evening. My final day I shared that the Pink Sisters were not for me, not right now, with Mother, who appeared a slight disappointed, but very understanding, reminding me I cannot discern forever. Also, you cannot fake or pretend a vocation.
My greatest feeling of peace during the experience came when it was time for me to depart. I could share countless thoughts that went through my brain, but will reserve those for anyone who wishes to ask me in person.One thought, on my train ride home, was, "Why Lord did you create humans?" I know there is such great capacity for love, but great capacity for hurt and suffering. However, I had not had many recent experiences of the great love that comes with being human. God is good, for that very next evening and the following two days, I found myself in the midst of great friends celebrating the very Sacrament that so readily foreshadows the heavenly marriage feast. It was so much love, almost too much to take in. Almost an over-dose of community before being submerged into another semester of teaching.
I was unable to meet with Father until the 7th, but had spoken with a few dear friends about my experience. After the spiritual direction, I felt immense peace traipsing off to Wichita for a meeting. Afterwards, I stopped by several stores, leaving each one empty handed. It was at this time that I understood that my discernment is not complete. What that means exactly, I have yet to find out, though I have more clarity about myself and how I desire to serve the Lord.
If God is calling you, you have permission to visit an order and find out more about who Christ is, your relationship with Him, and yourself. May God Bless you and keep you. In the words of ArchBishop Fulton Sheen, "What is good [about the post] comes from God. What is lacking, comes from me," for I feel it is inadequate before I click publish.
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